Acknowledgement.

This is probably one of the most personal blogs I've done & that I'll ever do, but I have a lot I need to get off my chest, so bear w. me

I've come to the understanding that I AM one of those girls you can classify as a bitch.

I AM one of those girls who will ded you in front of all your friends, & act like nothing happened.

I AM one of those girls, that at times, you can call me emotionless. When it comes to guys at least, cuz quite frankly I get into moods that I just don't care ( Not ALL the time, but it happens). I get into these mood swings where I'm just in the mood to curse someone the fuck out, all 5 feet 2 inches of myself puts all my energy into that, & it's always innocent bystanders that get hurt.

In one of my crazy psycho rampages, a friend of mine hit me up & made what would have been a funny comment on any other day, but this day it came off as offensive. Today, I cant remember what it is that he said, but I took it & ran. Mind you, this guy is suuuuch a sweatheart, a true friend, one whose willing to give&take advice. Me&him were close friends for what felt like forever, and it seemed as if we got into random arguments on the regular. But he would always hit me up the next day saying "I re-read that convo, and I wanna apologize, my fault, I see what you mean"& of course things would go back to normal...except this time.

When he hit me up the next day, I was still in that bad mood, and told him off completely, and he was understanding & decided to give me space... months worth of space. For months I've been selfish, havent heard or spoken to him at all. Today I stroll on myspace when I see his status say "R.I.P. lil sis, imy & ily" ...and just reading that my heart broke.

I was fully aware that his sister was in the hospital, I was fully aware of how much she meant to him & how close they were, and I never hit him up asking what happened, if he needed to talk, if she's gonna be okay. THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS WANTING TO DO SOMETHING WHEN ITS TOO LATE !

I KNOW that I failed him as a friend, that I SHOULD HAVE been there for him, even if it was only to talk, who knows how much of an IMPACT that would have made. I don't even know this girl, and I cried as if she were my own sister...

I just hope its not too late to try & pick up the pieces now...
Seriously, learn from my mistakes.

& I have a confession to make!

I've come to the realization that I am one of those girls...
...that likes jerks.

DUN DUN DUUUUN!

& no it's not cause they're jerks, it's just cause to me it's their way of showing they're playing hard to get. Now I have no respect for guys that are assholes, & I feel like yes, there is a difference between assholes & jerks. Assholes are the type of guys that consistently disrespect girls, pretend to like the girl with no intentions outside of a bed, or just talk smack about all girls in the universe. They're the ones who are PROUD of their lifestyle & don't care if everyone & their mother knows it. Jerks, on the other hand, can pretend to be assholes only to "fit in", when deep down you can see they're soft romantic guys. They're the type of guys that are borderline sweetheart/jerk. They're the mysterious ones that you just want to find out more...

So whether that makes me one of those dumb girls that falls for guys that are "players", "conceited" & "full of themselves"... then I hope you understand the reason behind the madness.

Daily Nonsense...

It has not even been a month, & I feel like I've been here forever. I've had tons of quizzes and already read 3 books and on my way to reading 2 more by the end of this week. I'm sitting here & my eyes just burn, (my eyebrows too but that's cuz I just threaded them). I can't say I'm exhausted, but I am tired... and what's interesting is that I want a job, knowing that I have quite enough on my plate.

I'm currently listening to a very degrading song of women (Yomo - descara), it's a bunch of nothing, but I can't stop playing it, I'm obsessed with the beat. I haven't been to a party since July, & that was outdoors which is always a bit awkward. I hear/read so many stories of my friends who are dorming, and I envy them so much. I would have loved to go away and try new experiences, and party. I feel like everything I've done is such a waste, I did at least 8 scholarships, & got rejected from all of them. The school that I ideally wanted to attend didn't give me a dime of financial aid & that was that.

I'm 18, look like I'm 15, living under the strict rules of my mom, and literally watching all my hopes go down the drain. I feel like there's nothing to look forward to, and a part of me wishes my dad still had his place so I could be able to feel independence...or something of that sort.

I'ma still give it time, nothing else I can really do... right?

First College Heartbreak. . . Sucks to be ME!

It's been four effin years since I've been back in the swing of hanging out with guys on the regular. Preston (an all girls school for those who do not know) fucked me over. I'm so weird with guys now it's not even funny, & I have this disorder that I obsess over guys that I like ( & I make SURE that they dont know it), but for a span of no more that 2 weeks, & then some stupidity happens & I'm back to reality...well, this time, its actually a tad more than a week.

My friend Franklin takes me to the game room, which has pool tables, air hockey, board games, fooseball (is that how you even spell it???), ping pong, & a bunch of tv's where people can hookup their game systems. So one day, I'm playing a friend when the puck gets stuck in the goal...long story short, this guy comes, gets it out, & wants to play. Don't really notice him much but once we start playing I see his face everytime I score, and I became infatuated somehow. We played 3 games of air hockey, & i beat him 2 out of 3. Don't know anything about him, but I do see him on the regular. I know where him & his friends hangout (Its literally like a mini DR corner) & today I walked by. But I see him behind me & I'm like, "Are you following me?" to which he makes excuses as to why he's not (ahem).

So he asks me to play, and I agree. I made a detour & met him literally like 3 minutes later, to which he already has 2 wannabe pretty girls aaalll over him ( they went to a fucking game room in high heels & dressy clothes ...? please.) I'm like whatever cuz once we play he's mine. As I'm eavesdropping one of the girls asks him in spanish " You have a partner?" & he says "you guys" ...

...

.


.
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Mind you, i am NOT a part of the conversation, hence I am not included in the statement "YOU GUYS". DEAAADDDDEEEEEDDDDDD !
-________________________________________-

it didn't hit me right then, but once I put two & two together, I left. I had no intentions of going to the game room until HE asked ME to play HIM. But I'll let him think hes some mighty macho man, he'll regret being a dick to me :)

NO MAS!

Anyways, ahh. School is mega boring... if it was a University I think i'd be having maaad fun, but since it's not... then blah. My classes arent hot shit either. The guys here arent hot shit at all. lol, wow all the things I looked forward to going to college for have made me upset. But maybe it needs more time...a lot more time...

Everything else is pretty solid. My tongue ring healed beautifully & I'm going tomorrow to get a smaller barbell and then im gonna go take FREE SALSA LESSONS ! :D

byeeeeeeeeee

Day 5

Ahh! I haven't blogged in foreverever. Quick updates:

College: So far so good, already procrastinating (which is no bueno). Classes are interesting with one exception, and I'm out super early everyday which is beautiful ( but then again all my friends have late classes so I kind of never really get to see them). I am starting to make new friends, but I'm waiting for clubs to start to really even try.

Piercing: Finally got it done! & it's day 5 and still a teensy weensy bit swollen. I went Thursday BY MYSELF (shocker!) & thank God I did all the research I did because all the piercer said was " After you eat, drink, and smoke, make sure you rinse." First I thought it was too far back, and annoying as fuck next to my web, but I've gotten used to it. I've heard SOOO many stories of people and their pain, and I have to say I'm very lucky that I only experienced minor pain the first night. YAY ME! Supposidely when you get your tongue pierced, you should only eat soft foods, but soft foods DO NOT fill a person. So I've eaten everything except that ^_^ Like platanos, rice & beans, chicken, mcdonalds, SHISKABOBSSSSS :] ahh I'm fulfilled. In a couple days I wanna downsize it and get used to it, and I'm glad its far back because it's not as visible as most peoples.

Lastly, my birthday was last Sunday, it was a nice chill relaxed day with the fam. I just can't wait to party now :)