Acknowledgement.

This is probably one of the most personal blogs I've done & that I'll ever do, but I have a lot I need to get off my chest, so bear w. me

I've come to the understanding that I AM one of those girls you can classify as a bitch.

I AM one of those girls who will ded you in front of all your friends, & act like nothing happened.

I AM one of those girls, that at times, you can call me emotionless. When it comes to guys at least, cuz quite frankly I get into moods that I just don't care ( Not ALL the time, but it happens). I get into these mood swings where I'm just in the mood to curse someone the fuck out, all 5 feet 2 inches of myself puts all my energy into that, & it's always innocent bystanders that get hurt.

In one of my crazy psycho rampages, a friend of mine hit me up & made what would have been a funny comment on any other day, but this day it came off as offensive. Today, I cant remember what it is that he said, but I took it & ran. Mind you, this guy is suuuuch a sweatheart, a true friend, one whose willing to give&take advice. Me&him were close friends for what felt like forever, and it seemed as if we got into random arguments on the regular. But he would always hit me up the next day saying "I re-read that convo, and I wanna apologize, my fault, I see what you mean"& of course things would go back to normal...except this time.

When he hit me up the next day, I was still in that bad mood, and told him off completely, and he was understanding & decided to give me space... months worth of space. For months I've been selfish, havent heard or spoken to him at all. Today I stroll on myspace when I see his status say "R.I.P. lil sis, imy & ily" ...and just reading that my heart broke.

I was fully aware that his sister was in the hospital, I was fully aware of how much she meant to him & how close they were, and I never hit him up asking what happened, if he needed to talk, if she's gonna be okay. THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS WANTING TO DO SOMETHING WHEN ITS TOO LATE !

I KNOW that I failed him as a friend, that I SHOULD HAVE been there for him, even if it was only to talk, who knows how much of an IMPACT that would have made. I don't even know this girl, and I cried as if she were my own sister...

I just hope its not too late to try & pick up the pieces now...
Seriously, learn from my mistakes.

& I have a confession to make!

I've come to the realization that I am one of those girls...
...that likes jerks.

DUN DUN DUUUUN!

& no it's not cause they're jerks, it's just cause to me it's their way of showing they're playing hard to get. Now I have no respect for guys that are assholes, & I feel like yes, there is a difference between assholes & jerks. Assholes are the type of guys that consistently disrespect girls, pretend to like the girl with no intentions outside of a bed, or just talk smack about all girls in the universe. They're the ones who are PROUD of their lifestyle & don't care if everyone & their mother knows it. Jerks, on the other hand, can pretend to be assholes only to "fit in", when deep down you can see they're soft romantic guys. They're the type of guys that are borderline sweetheart/jerk. They're the mysterious ones that you just want to find out more...

So whether that makes me one of those dumb girls that falls for guys that are "players", "conceited" & "full of themselves"... then I hope you understand the reason behind the madness.

Daily Nonsense...

It has not even been a month, & I feel like I've been here forever. I've had tons of quizzes and already read 3 books and on my way to reading 2 more by the end of this week. I'm sitting here & my eyes just burn, (my eyebrows too but that's cuz I just threaded them). I can't say I'm exhausted, but I am tired... and what's interesting is that I want a job, knowing that I have quite enough on my plate.

I'm currently listening to a very degrading song of women (Yomo - descara), it's a bunch of nothing, but I can't stop playing it, I'm obsessed with the beat. I haven't been to a party since July, & that was outdoors which is always a bit awkward. I hear/read so many stories of my friends who are dorming, and I envy them so much. I would have loved to go away and try new experiences, and party. I feel like everything I've done is such a waste, I did at least 8 scholarships, & got rejected from all of them. The school that I ideally wanted to attend didn't give me a dime of financial aid & that was that.

I'm 18, look like I'm 15, living under the strict rules of my mom, and literally watching all my hopes go down the drain. I feel like there's nothing to look forward to, and a part of me wishes my dad still had his place so I could be able to feel independence...or something of that sort.

I'ma still give it time, nothing else I can really do... right?

First College Heartbreak. . . Sucks to be ME!

It's been four effin years since I've been back in the swing of hanging out with guys on the regular. Preston (an all girls school for those who do not know) fucked me over. I'm so weird with guys now it's not even funny, & I have this disorder that I obsess over guys that I like ( & I make SURE that they dont know it), but for a span of no more that 2 weeks, & then some stupidity happens & I'm back to reality...well, this time, its actually a tad more than a week.

My friend Franklin takes me to the game room, which has pool tables, air hockey, board games, fooseball (is that how you even spell it???), ping pong, & a bunch of tv's where people can hookup their game systems. So one day, I'm playing a friend when the puck gets stuck in the goal...long story short, this guy comes, gets it out, & wants to play. Don't really notice him much but once we start playing I see his face everytime I score, and I became infatuated somehow. We played 3 games of air hockey, & i beat him 2 out of 3. Don't know anything about him, but I do see him on the regular. I know where him & his friends hangout (Its literally like a mini DR corner) & today I walked by. But I see him behind me & I'm like, "Are you following me?" to which he makes excuses as to why he's not (ahem).

So he asks me to play, and I agree. I made a detour & met him literally like 3 minutes later, to which he already has 2 wannabe pretty girls aaalll over him ( they went to a fucking game room in high heels & dressy clothes ...? please.) I'm like whatever cuz once we play he's mine. As I'm eavesdropping one of the girls asks him in spanish " You have a partner?" & he says "you guys" ...

...

.


.
.
Mind you, i am NOT a part of the conversation, hence I am not included in the statement "YOU GUYS". DEAAADDDDEEEEEDDDDDD !
-________________________________________-

it didn't hit me right then, but once I put two & two together, I left. I had no intentions of going to the game room until HE asked ME to play HIM. But I'll let him think hes some mighty macho man, he'll regret being a dick to me :)

NO MAS!

Anyways, ahh. School is mega boring... if it was a University I think i'd be having maaad fun, but since it's not... then blah. My classes arent hot shit either. The guys here arent hot shit at all. lol, wow all the things I looked forward to going to college for have made me upset. But maybe it needs more time...a lot more time...

Everything else is pretty solid. My tongue ring healed beautifully & I'm going tomorrow to get a smaller barbell and then im gonna go take FREE SALSA LESSONS ! :D

byeeeeeeeeee

Day 5

Ahh! I haven't blogged in foreverever. Quick updates:

College: So far so good, already procrastinating (which is no bueno). Classes are interesting with one exception, and I'm out super early everyday which is beautiful ( but then again all my friends have late classes so I kind of never really get to see them). I am starting to make new friends, but I'm waiting for clubs to start to really even try.

Piercing: Finally got it done! & it's day 5 and still a teensy weensy bit swollen. I went Thursday BY MYSELF (shocker!) & thank God I did all the research I did because all the piercer said was " After you eat, drink, and smoke, make sure you rinse." First I thought it was too far back, and annoying as fuck next to my web, but I've gotten used to it. I've heard SOOO many stories of people and their pain, and I have to say I'm very lucky that I only experienced minor pain the first night. YAY ME! Supposidely when you get your tongue pierced, you should only eat soft foods, but soft foods DO NOT fill a person. So I've eaten everything except that ^_^ Like platanos, rice & beans, chicken, mcdonalds, SHISKABOBSSSSS :] ahh I'm fulfilled. In a couple days I wanna downsize it and get used to it, and I'm glad its far back because it's not as visible as most peoples.

Lastly, my birthday was last Sunday, it was a nice chill relaxed day with the fam. I just can't wait to party now :)

Inhale ; Exhale . . .

Why is it that no decision comes easy?

I'm seriously ridiculously inconsistent, & I've realized that friends/fam tend to have somewhat of a huge impact on my life. This whole tongue piercing b.s. is stressful. I want to get it NOW, cuz I know between now & school, it would be the perfect time to allow it to heal. But then my parents don't approve, my stepdad is in my corner (which is a HUGE plus) but my dad has these old conventional theories (tongue piercings = dirty smuts), as well as my whole entire spanish family. I can get it tomorrow, and deal w. the whole wrath of the devil, or i can wait 11 days until my birthday.

I know who I am, and a dirty smut I am not ! It's just gonna be soooo much stress trying to convince people to look at me the same. It's something I've ALWAYS wanted, but people tend to live in their own world & their own mentalities. How is it possible for me one day to be a young, independent & intelligent lady, and the next to be a "dirty smut" because of a metal barbell in my mouth?

I thank everyone before me who has given tongue piercings such a reputation, but hopefully I can create a new wave. (Highly unlikely ) lol.

Once a woman beater, always a woman beater?

So apparently Chris Brown is trying to make a comeback, and I heard a song of his entitled Changed Man, or something like that. Personally, I didn't like it, nor did I really try to pay much attention to it, it just didn't catch my attention at all.

I honestly have no idea what to feel for this kid anymore. I know what he did is part of his past, but does he still have to pay for it today? Can he not be allowed to move forward? Did he learn from his mistakes or is he secretly still the same person deep down?

To me it's ridiculously complicated. How do you not get your business mixed with your personal life when you're famous? I think Chris Brown is an amazing artist, but now what he did to Rihanna is always going to pull him back.

I think if Chris Brown makes amazing music, I would definitely listen to it. If he's not creeping through the music & beating me up personally, than I'll keep listening. He's had a lot of awesome hits that have become personal favorites of mine. I know a majority of people will look at him differently, but all in all he is a performer, and I'm sure he knows nothing else. So good luck to him & all his (future) groupys. ^_^

How many times now?

I can't even count how obsessed I am with this song & this performance.

I have SO much respect for people that do things differently & don't follow the crowd. MAJOR PROPS TO LADY GAGA!

First Day of My OFFICIAL Summer.

FINALLY! I did something besides stay home & sleep or go out & work. I went to the beach with angela ( who I haven't seen in what feels like forever) as well as some girls from high school. It was BLAZING hot, and we were definitely sweating bullets at Orchard Beach. Didn't really wanna go inside the water so we just laid out & gossiped. After a while Ang gets a call from her dad's girlfriend & we need to go racing home because her dad's gf locked herself out -_-

But when we got there it was like paradise. She has a pool with those layout floaties, and we just chilled there going in circles, which felt AMAZING. Ended the day with some dominoes & ice cream with whip cream which equals PURE HAPPINESS. It's a GREAT way to start off MY summer :) Even though it's only two weeks, I know it's gonna be productive ^_^

Tomorrow there's a family pool party, so I'll be there for a while & try to get some more color :)

A Bunch of Nothing.

I've been up & down an emotional rollercoaster for almost a year now because it seems sooo difficult for me to accept change.I don't understand how people can be the best of friends, & the next its all hush hush don't tell anyone we're friends or we hangout.

What I'm referring to is how much people change once they're "in love". How now there's restrictions on the friendship, how you need 2 wonder whether or not its a good time to hit up your friend hoping that you're not interrupting anything. It's weird, because for example, my high school sweety (which is a girl lol) used to date a guy, and I didn't like him for reasons I can't remember, but I never felt like there wasn't a day where I couldn't hit her up, & I just wished that all of my friends were like that.

Then I have friends who've been like brothers to me, & all of a sudden their girlfriends get jealous when we hangout. I (stupidly) assume that once drama starts, my guy friends would easily choose me over their dramatic girlfriends, because for one, they've known me longer & basically I'm more permanent than any girlfriend (or so I thought). But of course, I made an ass of myself with these assumptions.

I'm the type of person, that if we're cool and really close, and a new person steps into the picture & for whatever reason chooses to not like my close friend and makes me have to decide, to me that's an easy decision. I would never put a boyfriend over a bestfriend in the sense that it puts my friendships in jeopardy. If he doesn't like one of my best friends, than that's HIS problem. I don't care how "in love" or obsessed I am about a guy, I hope that I never reach the day in which I allow a man to becomes the possessive controlling type that wants to shape out who I hang out with. I have the friends I have for a reason, & I could honestly care less what someone else thinks.

I've had people tell me I don't know what I would do unless I was in the situation, because I've never been in love, but the point of the matter is that either way, I always have to remember whose been there for me. If my significant other has LEGIT reasoning as to why he thinks I shouldn't be friends with someone, then maybe I'll take that into consideration, but I would never isolate myself 100% from my loved ones.

In reality, I know I'm the very jealous type, but I am not the person that vocalizes these thoughts. When I realize that another person has decided to come into the picture with another friend, I get upset, but I realize I automatically prepare myself to become second best. That whole transition for me is unbelievably hard. I guess it's just something I'm going to have to accept & come to terms with, one way or another.

On a brighter note! I only have 2 more days of work :D & then I get to enjoy summer, unless I get punished :x AY CARAMBA!

College = Time for Changes.

I know I haven't written in a while, but that's because I've been annoyingly consumed with work, and plus I only have like 2 people that actually read my blog! Which means it's not that big of a loss now is it?

Lately, it's starting to really dawn on me that I'm actually going to college. Before I was all nonchalant about it, and now I'm like woah! But there's also several things I would like to change about myself, my lifestyle, my friends...

First off, I have been DYING to get my tongue pierced. My mother has NEVER approved of me getting ANY piercings aside from the 2 I already have. So i agreed to go on September 4th (five days after my 18th birthday), but I realized if I went that day, I would be screwed for my first days of school, I won't be able to talk to my professors or classmates, Id be in an unbelievable amount of pain which won't allow me to focus so on & so forth. Also, I can't get it on my birthday because it's a Sunday followed by a week of classes, whereas the 4th is a Friday which gives me about 3 days to allow some getting used to. But now I've decided to go this Thursday, August 13th. Now, the "plan" is to hide it, which is mission impossible, but I mean, I've rarely if ever rebelled against my mom, and this may just be the first & last time I will. If I get it this week, I will have a perfect two weeks to allow it to heal and to fully get used to it and mope & watnot :) Ahh Wish me luck!

Also, after going to an all girls school for four years, I've seemed to have had adapted a "lesbianic" demeanor? Which definitely needs to change because I have no intentions of being with girls. But being in an atmosphere with guys all over again is something I look forward to the most! Deprivation was a punishment, and now I'll be replenished all over again :]

Lastly, there's a lot of people that I just want to let go of. College will give me a freedom that I was never allowed to have in high school. I'm hoping my time will be completely occupied, whether it be social or educational. There's just some people that I honestly give too much of myself to, only to receive minimal in return. What better excuse to have than college?

Aside from that, I hope my bonds with my "real" friends only strengthens. There are a handful of girls that I love dearly & would do absolutely anything for, and I genuinely hope that college will not change us at all.

MJ Tribute*

just a couple of nice tributes I ran across. (for the beyonce one, just watch between 4 - 6:30.)










& this will forever be my fave* song :)



R.I.P. Michael

I DO... not agree.

So lately something's really really been bothering me... and its all revolving around relationships. Those who know me, know how much I suck at relationships. Quick love, quicker breakups, deep regret... that's pretty much it in a nutshell. But whenever the term of marriage comes up, and I state how I disagree, it seems like everyone is rushing to try to convince me out of it or tell me how stupid my mentality is. Personally, I just can not wrap my head around the fact that two people can spend their entire lifetimes together, without wondering what if. I feel like there's always someone better out there that has people wondering how it would be if they weren't in a relationship.

Now I know all of us know at least 2 people who are in relationships & yet cheat... & I thank them for proving my point. But I'm also aware of the fact that there are those RARE couples who stay together from Jesus' crucifixion until present day, & I sincerely applaud those people. But I feel like it's in my DNA for marriage to just not work for me: my great grandmother, my grandmother, my mother: each and every one divorced, but remained with their second husbands. Which basically makes me lose hope. Now, 99.99999% of people I tell this to say "Serenah, that's just them, you're not them. You never know bla bla BLA". But I'm still gonna be a stubborn little trick idc ! :)

Basically, I'm the type of girl that will love you today, and be bored of you the next... & it's something I just cannot control. Unfortunately, Virgos are perfectionists, so of course , I only expect perfection...which obviously does not exist. I just always seem to find something wrong, i over-analyze, over-criticize, focus on itty bitty nonsensical bulllshit. So all of this has led me to the resolution that maybe I should try an open relationship.

I feel like maybe it will be the an eye opening experience. Maybe I'll love it, then again maybe I won't, but I feel like it makes soo much more sense to me. Cuz here's a scenario: Lets say you meet Fulanita(o), and you fall head over heels for this person, but then 6 months later, you meet Juana ( or Pablo whichevers your preference) and this person just steals your heart. Now you know deep down you love Fulanita(o) to death, but you cant control how you feel around this new person, so you begin to wonder what if, and you're 100% sure that this newbie likes you back. So here are your options, you can A) distance yourself from this person (which is impossible since you see them on the regular, and it's kind of like temptation island, AND you love the feeling) B) breakup with boyfriend #1 for boyfriend #2, or c) cheat.

So let's go through the options. Let's say you pick A. Hypothetically speaking, your pretty much killing on the inside, you're FEENING for this person, and the further away from them you are, the more you just want to be with them. So you try to stay away, but this person is all you think about...see the problem?
Moving on, let's say you pick B, you breakup and begin dating this new person. You're together for ehh 4 to 6 months, and now this persons true colors are coming out, you're finding more about this person that you realize you just don't like. You're out of the "dating phase" where everyone is so eager to impress the other, and now you're in the "ehh I've got you" phase, where you feel comfortable enough to be yourselves. But you're seeing a side of them that you never knew existed, you're realizing they don't even like the things you like to do, and you begin to compare and realize how much better your ex was. Now you're fucked and alone.
On to opcion C, you cheat. Now you're conscious is killing you (unless you're dominican that is). The point of the matter is, the truth WILL surface.

But let's take this scenario & see how it goes if you were in an open relationship. You & your "lover" wrote down the rules & limits for when it comes to seeing other people, so you know what to do and what not to do. You explain to him/her that you're interested in so & so, and obviously there's not much they can say. So now you have both, and each has a way to make you happy. Now let's say you date this spouse B for those couple months, and you begin to compare as I stated above, and you're realizing how much you truly love your first partner ( or your booty call, whatev, but we'll stick with the first statement for now). I think this will make you much closer to your significant other, you started losing the fire, so you dated sum1 knew, and this person made you realize your love for you first, and it kind of comes complete circle cuz you're grateful for that person you had all along.

Now of course it could completely backfire, and you could fall in love with this second person and just ded the first, but were hoping that doesn't happen (if you're the one who gets to choose of course). There's so many other circumstances, and scenarios & factors that can come into play, but I feel like when someone is in a monogamous relationship, they're constantly just wondering what if at some point if not several. I don't doubt they genuinely love their spouse, but there has to be those days when it would be nice to start over again... with someone new.

I've also heard several people's perspectives on what they believe open relationships are about. One is that it is for hoes, who just want to fuck a bunch of people and allow it to be okay. I'm sure there are relationships like that, which could be confused with swingers, but not all of them are like that. Some people seek others for emotional attachment that their spouse may not be giving them (hmm...like escorts? lol), some seek spiritual connections, and of course there are those that solely want sex. It ranges.

Then I've heard it be described as only for those who are truly mature. For those who understand what relationships are all about, and can understand that there are times when you need a break, and yet someone whose still there at the end of the day...etc,etc.

Personally, this may sound weird, but I believe it is for the insecure (now you know why I believe in it). For those who don't believe they have what it takes to KEEP someone for 10 , 20, 30 years. For those who want to see what it's like to be with someone who understands the circumstances and is open to seeing things outside of the box.

I feel like this whole blog is a huge contradiction, lol. At times I wonder why I think such things when I tend to have a jealous mentality. But I think I would prefer to know, then for my spouse to go behind my back & cheat. And I feel like in an open relationship it's not cheating, because cheating entitles doing something you're not supposed to do, but in open relationships that's pretty much what's accepted.

I also need people to understand that I don't plan on getting into a relationship with one person and immediately look for another. I intend to look elsewhere when the love begins to die out, when it's constant argument, when we NEED a break, in hopes of resparking the flame, not in hopes of becoming Ms. STD 2009. I'm sure there are other methods of keeping people around, but I'm very interested in this whole open relationships business...

I'm kind of on a huge trail of thought, and I'm very much open for discussion if anyone would like to give me their opinion on the subject. But I think that's what I'll try for now or at least consider...ehh I don't know. Gotta find someone first...right?

Michael Jackson, The Definition of a Legend.

Honestly, I know everyone has to die someday, but I never expected this man to die....ever. Seriously I thought God gave him immunity to death. I feel like it was encrypted into our DNA to just love and be amazed by Michael Jackson. I remember being a little girl and just watching a VCR of a bunch of his songs and videos, but I remember just sitting there and staring, because I knew what my capabilities were, and mine were no where near his. He IS such an inspiration to so many people world wide, and that in & of itself says enough.

As for all the speculation surrounding the allegations, court cases, and drugs, I wish it could all just be dropped. I was watching the news the other day, and someone made a statement saying how they wished that people could remember him for all the good things he did, not just the drugs or how he died, and another person commented on that statement comparing him to Elvis, stating how everyone can remember how great of a performer Elvis was, but how he's known for dying because of drugs. I guess it's just inevitable.

I also realized how disrespectful a lot of people were after his death. A lot of people wrote messages along the lines of "R.I.P. Michael Jackson" in their aways, and others would write "why are you sad? why you acting like you know him? stfu". Do you really NEED to know someone to HOPE they rest in peace? Do you NEED to know them to feel sorrow for their passing? I personally think that's inconsiderate & immature of the people who said that.

Anyways, we all know he's physically dead, but I feel like he's more alive now than ever. I hope that those who are truly hurt by his death, can find the strength to move on.
R.I.P. Michael Jackson*

A complete 180...literally

First thing I really want to get off of my chest, is Cassie's new hairstyle. Cassie is a BEAUTIFUL girl, with amazing hair... but WHY would she want to cut off ONE SIDE OF HER HEAD? you couldn't just pull it back? put a pin? call it a day?

Just for the record, I don't think it diminishes the fact that she is a great artist, i just think it's a distraction completely. Today was when I actually saw it for the first time after watching her video with Diddy, and I have no idea what the song was about, I was just focused on her head. I genuinely respect the fact that she wanted to take such a HUGE risk and try something different that's never been done before... but, c'mon... that's a tad extreme.

But who knows, maybe it'll be some new air wave hairstyle statement... but then again, maybe not.

First Time for Everything

First blog ever! It's interesting why I've chosen to begin a blog (dot dot dot) & that's cuz of Diggy Simmons. After watching an episode of Runs House, I kind of asked myself 'Hey, why dont I have one?!'. So here I am...

I'm the type of person who is known to over think e v e r y t h i n g. So I guess I'm at the right place huh? :D I'll try to make it interesting for ya...key word: try.